wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize