I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
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I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
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You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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