I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
