i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
