so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms