listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
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I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
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I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately