dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
