please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
