I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
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