That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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