Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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