nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
