If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
