That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
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