I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
