Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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