I hate your face
I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
