I'm pants shitting drunk right now
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
