He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
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Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
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but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid