Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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