ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Randomize
