my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.