if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
