not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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