for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
