I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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