I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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