they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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