i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
