I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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