just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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