there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
