seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
We talked him into tasing himself.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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