I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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