Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
