you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
