She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
