I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
