Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
