she looked like the bat from fern gully.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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