I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
