toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
