Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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