i would punch a child for taco bell
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
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