The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
