where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
