So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
