When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I need a beard to bite.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
