Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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