I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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