Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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