I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Randomize
