Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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