okay pat passed out under dana's car
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
