Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
