you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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