New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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