I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
