Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
