if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
