so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
